Unhappy Marriages

‘Unhappy Marriages’ may well have caught your eye for many reasons .You may identify with some or all of the ideas and positions .Needless to say each marriage is unique and to sum all of the complexities would be naive and neglectful to the individualism of each relationship. Some of us may have entered marriage with longing; unhealed wounds, unmet needs and other unfinished business that we secretly hoped our beloved would heal. Many of us hold our partners responsible for our own happiness and it is often this disappointment of unfulfilled expectations that causes such deep unhappiness. Marriage is such an intimate connection and the tension thread between the needs of the individual and the relationship are often difficult to negotiate for some couples .The tug of war becomes a constant battle over who is the winner and loser, things are black and white and the whole concept of a ‘win win’ solution for all involved is lost. It is this dealing with conflicts that often causes unhappiness. As relationship therapists we see the effects of this as one partner becomes or is seen as being overly demanding and the other person with draws and becomes non communicative. This often produces a cycle where each person’s behavior makes the other worse .Hurt and fear take root and motives are questioned. Over time the bond becomes weaker. This erosion of the intimate bond has far reaching effects than most can see or admit to .How we interact with our children, families and work colleagues all too often result from our personal and marital happiness or unhappiness.

In previous weeks we have discussed some the essential ingredient for a happy relationship. Being able to express yourself, effective listening and the deepening of couple intimacy. To be able to open yourself requires such vulnerability and can only be achieved in an atmosphere of trust. This trust comes about when we know that we have access to our partner for our own individual needs and must then result in reciprocal accessibility for them. Remember true intimacy is two sided and only achieved between two equals .These needs generally include money, time, energy, and matters of the heart such as acceptance, attention, love and sex.If we feel we can not guarantee access or in fact are denied access to any of these areas and a deep intimate bond has not been established, then fear and hurt creep in and a damaging cycle can be created. Perhaps trust in your partner has been tested and stretched to full capacity. You may in fact have closed down some doors. Just remember that it is possible to forgive and trust again. Trust can be rebuilt, even after a painful betrayal, but it requires hard work. It may not happen quickly and may take many years but keep in mind that by facing these fears will make you stronger, more emotionally mature and a more loving person. To be able to control ourselves emotionally requires great insight into what makes us behave and react in a certain way .By exercising this self control allows us to become assertive and put forward our needs in an appropriate manner. We then do not need to domineer and control all those around us and we are rewarded by a happier home life.

There is no doubt that the length of time that this unhappiness has been allowed to calcify is often indicative of the ability that a couple can resolve it with out professional help. One of the first areas to become affected by the cycle of access and control is the sexual relationship and the intimacy. Sexual problems such as low desire, little or no sex, orgasmic or erectile problems, or infidelities are often psychosocial and often not physiological. Some times the presenting problem is not the cause and it takes careful and gentle questioning to reveal the main complaint. It is possible to work at and resolve a lot of these problems with the help of a trained professional. Keep in mind that there is no shame or weakness in getting help –just great intelligence.

The Pattern of Relationships

As children we have grown up witnessing the relationships of our parents, aunts, uncles, teachers and family friends. The impressions and overall outlook on relating, showing affection and respecting individuals is mapped early into our subconscious. This early map often influences us in our relationships later on in life and if these early memories have been unpleasant or have resulted in shame then difficulties with sexuality are common. In deed those early experiences may be so far back and so shut off that sometimes we may not even be able to see that they have anything to do with our present situation. All that we may know is that we are not happy with our close relationships or perhaps the lack of any close relationship. But there is hope. We can overcome our past and a childhood of unhappiness does not preclude having an unhappy future.

Certainly there are phases to long term relationships .Peaks and cycles change with each decade and are influenced by life events such as divorce, death, financial pressures and children. But let’s start at the beginning. We may have fallen in love and experience that euphoric high of romantic love and the wonderful effects of the rush of oxytocin from the thought or touch of our love interest. The bonding and attachment from the early frequent touching contribute to the desire and longing for that person when they are not with us. There is a feeling of hope for the future and this romantic love stage generally lasts from three to twenty seven months. The comfort then sets in and we generally become relaxed. We may put on weight and not pay so much attention to our appearance or to other things that were so important in the beginning, such as touching. A power struggle often develops in the long term relationship and each become reactive and defensive in an attempt to protect the feelings of the early love. As humans our response to being attacked is ‘fight or flight’. We may fight because we feel scared or we may just withdraw and in this way create a safe protected space .Or we may freeze and appear uncommunicative. This may appear as an inability to listen or to express one self. This is the start of the disconnection within the couple bond and if not interrupted then a cycle of defensive behavior starts. When this conflict goes on for a long time we may come to accept the situation for varying reasons; financial, security, familiarity, fear of change and lack of confidence to start a fresh. Often the effect on children and extended family influences our decisions to stay and so we detach ourselves a little and in essence go to ‘sleep’.

It is at this stage of sleep that couples often come to couples therapy because of lack of interest in sex, sexual problems, noninitiation, feelings of rejection, abandonment, and resentment .Feelings of lack of passion and eroticism towards the partner may have become habitual. We may in fact not even view our partners as erotic but as someone who is safe. This just living beside someone not fully awake but ‘asleep’. The good news is that there can be a ‘waking up’ once one or both persons recognizes and wants to rekindle the first feelings of the romantic high. This requires looking closely at what has happened to each person’s erotic needs along the way. With out a doubt there is nothing that deadens sexual desire faster than unresolved differences. The resurgence of the oxytocin rush can be brought on again with the careful help of a relationship therapist and the joy can return at any age.

Even the Best Relationships have Differences

Most people would agree that there are some relationships that are so harmful and so destructive that staying in the union would not be in the best interest of anyone involved. But relationships are complex and often situations and self destructive cycles have been left to fester and grow. In the midst of our busy lives couples often fail to recognize that they can not work out their problems alone. Divorce papers require the ticking of a box to acknowledge these ‘irreconcilable differences’. Is this a last ditch effort to put some sort of label on a marriage that they felt was too far gone to salvage? Or is it if we choose a partner who is so different from our culture and beliefs that the relationship is doomed to fail? Or is it simpler than that –the other choices to tick do not fit our view of the reasons why we want a divorce? But is it not these very differences and individualism that is so appealing to our new love interests at the beginning of the relationship?

Our unique characteristics, qualities, eccentricities are what catches the eye of our new admirer. We stand out in the crowd, our eyes lock and a connection is made. During the early dating days there is high energy and the differences are either ignored or embraced because of the overpowering sexual tension. We are more preoccupied with our intense sexual feelings and the feelings of love come about from the longing and separation from that person. We are affectionate, attentive, listen and talk to each other. Couples inevitably spend a lot of time touching because it is the power of touch that attaches and bonds us to one another. So what happens then as we settle into the relationship and become comfortable with each other? One of the most common mistakes is that people spend too much time and energy trying to make their partner be ‘like them’ or they try to ‘fix them’ .This is a waste of precious life energy .In time we come to realize that making room for differences and to peacefully coexist is a better use of both time and energy. We can only influence people and each one of us is in charge of our own thoughts and behavior. Not all situations can be worked out or in fact need to be .One of the keys to a successful relationship is accepting and respecting the differences. Embrace them; enrich your life instead of trying to eliminate them. The foundation of a relationship is the respect, commitment and love for each other.

This may all sound easier said than done. Our beliefs, perceptions and attitudes are often deeply entrenched and have been with us for years. However things can become easier when we realize that by shifting our present thoughts, perceptions and attitudes towards our relationship that things can improve. Negative thoughts producing harmful and destructive behavior in the home is then witnessed by children, extended family and co workers. By learning how to channel your thoughts and then your behavior your relationships will improve. It takes a lot of hard work and you may well question the validity of the process .It takes the guidance and careful steering of a relationship therapist to make these changes possible. Once you see an improvement, your life feels better, is going in the direction you want it to go, it is then all worthwhile. Single people with out an intimate relationship or who experience recurring failing relationships will also benefit from such guidance. The goal maybe to understand why we choose the same type of person, or they may be unsatisfying or destructive. People often feel defeated when they feel they are alone in willing to do the work to improve things. It is possible for one person to take the first step, to change the direction of the wheel particularly if both compete against each other. It is not a sign of giving in but a sign of courage to be the one to make the first move. A relationship involves two people and the best results are achieved when both work together towards a more fulfilling intimate relationship. Great relationships do not just happen; they are created.