The Pattern of Relationships

As children we have grown up witnessing the relationships of our parents, aunts, uncles, teachers and family friends. The impressions and overall outlook on relating, showing affection and respecting individuals is mapped early into our subconscious. This early map often influences us in our relationships later on in life and if these early memories have been unpleasant or have resulted in shame then difficulties with sexuality are common. In deed those early experiences may be so far back and so shut off that sometimes we may not even be able to see that they have anything to do with our present situation. All that we may know is that we are not happy with our close relationships or perhaps the lack of any close relationship. But there is hope. We can overcome our past and a childhood of unhappiness does not preclude having an unhappy future.

Certainly there are phases to long term relationships .Peaks and cycles change with each decade and are influenced by life events such as divorce, death, financial pressures and children. But let’s start at the beginning. We may have fallen in love and experience that euphoric high of romantic love and the wonderful effects of the rush of oxytocin from the thought or touch of our love interest. The bonding and attachment from the early frequent touching contribute to the desire and longing for that person when they are not with us. There is a feeling of hope for the future and this romantic love stage generally lasts from three to twenty seven months. The comfort then sets in and we generally become relaxed. We may put on weight and not pay so much attention to our appearance or to other things that were so important in the beginning, such as touching. A power struggle often develops in the long term relationship and each become reactive and defensive in an attempt to protect the feelings of the early love. As humans our response to being attacked is ‘fight or flight’. We may fight because we feel scared or we may just withdraw and in this way create a safe protected space .Or we may freeze and appear uncommunicative. This may appear as an inability to listen or to express one self. This is the start of the disconnection within the couple bond and if not interrupted then a cycle of defensive behavior starts. When this conflict goes on for a long time we may come to accept the situation for varying reasons; financial, security, familiarity, fear of change and lack of confidence to start a fresh. Often the effect on children and extended family influences our decisions to stay and so we detach ourselves a little and in essence go to ‘sleep’.

It is at this stage of sleep that couples often come to couples therapy because of lack of interest in sex, sexual problems, noninitiation, feelings of rejection, abandonment, and resentment .Feelings of lack of passion and eroticism towards the partner may have become habitual. We may in fact not even view our partners as erotic but as someone who is safe. This just living beside someone not fully awake but ‘asleep’. The good news is that there can be a ‘waking up’ once one or both persons recognizes and wants to rekindle the first feelings of the romantic high. This requires looking closely at what has happened to each person’s erotic needs along the way. With out a doubt there is nothing that deadens sexual desire faster than unresolved differences. The resurgence of the oxytocin rush can be brought on again with the careful help of a relationship therapist and the joy can return at any age.