Unhappy Marriages

‘Unhappy Marriages’ may well have caught your eye for many reasons .You may identify with some or all of the ideas and positions .Needless to say each marriage is unique and to sum all of the complexities would be naive and neglectful to the individualism of each relationship. Some of us may have entered marriage with longing; unhealed wounds, unmet needs and other unfinished business that we secretly hoped our beloved would heal. Many of us hold our partners responsible for our own happiness and it is often this disappointment of unfulfilled expectations that causes such deep unhappiness. Marriage is such an intimate connection and the tension thread between the needs of the individual and the relationship are often difficult to negotiate for some couples .The tug of war becomes a constant battle over who is the winner and loser, things are black and white and the whole concept of a ‘win win’ solution for all involved is lost. It is this dealing with conflicts that often causes unhappiness. As relationship therapists we see the effects of this as one partner becomes or is seen as being overly demanding and the other person with draws and becomes non communicative. This often produces a cycle where each person’s behavior makes the other worse .Hurt and fear take root and motives are questioned. Over time the bond becomes weaker. This erosion of the intimate bond has far reaching effects than most can see or admit to .How we interact with our children, families and work colleagues all too often result from our personal and marital happiness or unhappiness.

In previous weeks we have discussed some the essential ingredient for a happy relationship. Being able to express yourself, effective listening and the deepening of couple intimacy. To be able to open yourself requires such vulnerability and can only be achieved in an atmosphere of trust. This trust comes about when we know that we have access to our partner for our own individual needs and must then result in reciprocal accessibility for them. Remember true intimacy is two sided and only achieved between two equals .These needs generally include money, time, energy, and matters of the heart such as acceptance, attention, love and sex.If we feel we can not guarantee access or in fact are denied access to any of these areas and a deep intimate bond has not been established, then fear and hurt creep in and a damaging cycle can be created. Perhaps trust in your partner has been tested and stretched to full capacity. You may in fact have closed down some doors. Just remember that it is possible to forgive and trust again. Trust can be rebuilt, even after a painful betrayal, but it requires hard work. It may not happen quickly and may take many years but keep in mind that by facing these fears will make you stronger, more emotionally mature and a more loving person. To be able to control ourselves emotionally requires great insight into what makes us behave and react in a certain way .By exercising this self control allows us to become assertive and put forward our needs in an appropriate manner. We then do not need to domineer and control all those around us and we are rewarded by a happier home life.

There is no doubt that the length of time that this unhappiness has been allowed to calcify is often indicative of the ability that a couple can resolve it with out professional help. One of the first areas to become affected by the cycle of access and control is the sexual relationship and the intimacy. Sexual problems such as low desire, little or no sex, orgasmic or erectile problems, or infidelities are often psychosocial and often not physiological. Some times the presenting problem is not the cause and it takes careful and gentle questioning to reveal the main complaint. It is possible to work at and resolve a lot of these problems with the help of a trained professional. Keep in mind that there is no shame or weakness in getting help –just great intelligence.